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<title>who mourns for the one's no one lives to remember? **AoT CHAPTER 138 SPOILERS** by vesuvivian</title>
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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/29911998">who mourns for the one's no one lives to remember? **AoT CHAPTER 138 SPOILERS**</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/vesuvivian/pseuds/vesuvivian'>vesuvivian</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Angst, Angst and Tragedy, Bromance, Canonical Character Death, Gen, M/M, Religious Imagery &amp; Symbolism</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2021-03-08</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2021-03-08</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-15 19:56:10</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>General Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>Major Character Death</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>938</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/29911998</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/vesuvivian/pseuds/vesuvivian</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>!!!SPOILER WARNING FOR CHAPTER 138 OF AoT MANGA!!!</p><p>Jean and Connie contemplate fear and death in their last moments.</p><p>A/N: A tribute to my favorite boys ever.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Jean Kirstein/Connie Springer</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>10</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>59</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>who mourns for the one's no one lives to remember? **AoT CHAPTER 138 SPOILERS**</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>I kept listening to 'everything I wanted' by Billie Eilish and my mind went quickfire with this one. I made myself cry writing this, heeeyyyy 🤪</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Dust filled their lungs.</p><p>The sense of desperation and dread dying down as they saw the gargantuan <em>thing </em>crawling towards them.</p><p>Jean stared at it, realizing their sacrifices were fruitless. Him and Connie were the last of the scouts standing between the civilians and that monster, but they were unarmed, bruised; left for dead. His spirit faltered, despite his composure.</p><p>If you asked Jean what his biggest fear was, he wouldn’t answer truthfully right away, but if he had to tell you in this moment… It was being forgotten.</p><p>For years, he’d secretly kept a book commemorating every fallen comrade he had come to know. The details were few, mostly just their birth dates, birthplace, a brief description of their physical traits, and maybe a few fun facts depending on how much he knew them; when Erwin sent those kids to their death, Jean was left with nothing but a line of names-some meaningful, others he didn’t know personally-but at <em>least</em> they existed to someone, at least someone other than their families remembered them, if they had any.</p><p>Marco was the first to be on that book, and later a string of red would follow his path. Sasha had a whole page dedicated just to her and was the only one on it to have a picture people could recognize her by.</p><p>And as he watched death crawl closer, he wondered: <em>Who would honor Connie?</em>  No one would mourn him; nobody would even know his name, or the selflessness he carried on his sleeve; not a person would know of his emotional intelligence, and the way he deeply appreciated his friends because they were all he had.</p><p><em>Who the fuck would remember the humble village boy that lost his family and built himself a new one?  </em>He asked himself.</p><p>“So...” Connie’s voice rang.</p><p>To Connie, it was like Jean and him were alone in this moment, though they weren’t-screams of pain, anguish, and panic could be heard from every corner-he could feign as if it were only them right now. He wasn't sure he was scared of what was to come, at some point during these years, he made peace with a violent death, and yet if you asked him...</p><p>Connie was afraid of death when he was younger, but as he grew older, his fear morphed into something more existential and cosmic; he was terrified of what Ymir had described to them all those years ago-that form of inescapable hell that you had no control over-bound to live through it eternally until someone put you out of your misery; the same one his mother had been put through.</p><p>He also was afraid of hell in the biblical sense, often times wondering if commander Erwin was screaming while burning down there, or if he was happy to find himself in the embers he felt he deserved.</p><p>His mind turned over the thought of his twin, his best friend. Sasha had murdered people, too, did that mean <em>she </em>was in hell as well? Her, the one who had smiled and loved the most out of the three; an untouched glee and spark that deserved to live years past <em>all </em>of them.</p><p>If Eldians were devil's and cursed, did that mean he'd find his kin reduced to nothing when meeting Satan himself? The questions bounced rapidly around Connie's mind, but when he came up with no answer that could assuage his panic, he decided to ignore it-or <em>tried</em> his best to.  </p><p>Jean looked towards his best friend and placed an arm around his shoulder.</p><p>“This is the end for us…” Connie said. His tone was inscrutable; Jean couldn’t tell if there was relief or despair coming through his words. Jean couldn’t even process what his own feelings were in this moment. The blonde man felt himself nod.</p><p>“That’s the scouts’ way.” He replied. Connie nodded. He felt himself tremble slightly, and quickly wrapped one arm on Jean’s shoulder too.</p><p>“Jean,” He called out again. Jean looked at him. He stared into his best friend’s eyes. Connie was aware of the ways Jean suffered by himself, feeling as if he had to carry everyone’s memories at once, no soldier forgotten, no one replaceable enough. But, it wasn’t just that, he knew Jean grappled with feelings of inadequacy, as if he had to be better or stronger than Eren, smarter than Armin; like he had to prove to everyone over and over that he was just as special, or maybe it was a desperate attempt to mark his spot in the world. </p><p>“Do you remember our graduation?”</p><p>“Yeah…” Jean waited for his best friend to elaborate. Connie’s head reeled with moments, flashbacks; sounds of laughter, cries, moments of love and unbearable pain.</p><p>Connie wanted to smile as he said these next words, but smiling was hard, and he was tired; he wasn’t sure what kind of endless hell awaited him after death, and feigning happiness wasn't his style. </p><p>“We ended up saving the world because of you.” Jean’s eyes widened at Connie’s words. </p><p>And as Jean felt his humanity slip away, his last thoughts are of him being<em> certain </em>that he would suffer through this all again-just to get another chance to exist in a world where he has a family in Connie, Sasha and Marco.  </p><p>*****</p><p>No one heard them cry, nor did they see these two boys take their last breath or think their last thoughts. There is no book written in their honor, and the world won't know their names.</p><p>And yet, they are immortalized in ways that aren't seen by the human eye, but felt by the human experience. </p>
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